Wacky Family
by Aurora-Borealis Coyote
Summary: Edwina Elric goes to a State Alchemist meeting, with her "wacky family" of other alchemists. Not that she'd consider any of those freaks her family. Gender bender with fem!Ed, fem!Roy and others. CRACK.


…**Nothing like writing crack.**

**Lol, Marcoh's the only one with her head on straight around here XD**

**So I love GB fics, and actually do have non-crack GB planned, and when I say non crack it's just as screwed up and mindfuck/creepy/depressing as every non crack thing I have here. XD**

**Really, I wonder if male characters in the series had been made female, or if female characters had been male…how would the story have gone? And how would they have been received by fans? (0_o I have a very bad feeling people would say stuff like "The Elrics are weak, they cry too much" or something. I personally don't like how female characters are always bashed for being emotional or "weak" when really they just have normal reactions. XP)**

**Warnings: The usual sexual humor and bad language…and gory descriptions played for lulz.**

**AND YES, I know Pinako and Edward are not related, it's just that she's referred to by Ed as "Auntie" so that's why Edwina is saying "my uncle".  
**

**Pairings: Mentionings of gender bent, cracked-out, versions of some. **

**Seriously…Scar's shirts tear a lot. Just sayin'. **

Edwina Elric had grown to realize why even Myra Hughes thought the State Alchemists made up one big damn freak show. Unfortunately for her, she had realized this long after she had become a part of said freak show and would remain so unless she wanted to face the Fuhrer…or the wrath of Rizen Hawkeye and that dog of his, who he always seemed to take care of like a child.

It wasn't that she hated them. She didn't. Well…not all of them. It was just that…it was a very bizarre environment for someone who wanted to get her life back to normal. And the thing was, nobody around there seemed like they had "normal" in their vocabulary, whether it was Shay Tucker the Sewing Life Alchemist, who everyone was sure had some bodies in her car's trunk and ran a Philosopher's Stone cartel, Bess Grand the Iron Blood Alchemist, who was overly intimidating and had penciled on eyebrows, or Zolfine Kimblee the Crimson Lotus Alchemist, who had decided it would be a good idea to wear four inch heels to the Briggs wilderness and also got turned on by blowing up villages.

Everyone towered over Edwina there. Edwina did not like being towered over.

In Edwina's life, she had to do a lot of things she didn't like. Such as find "sexy" fanart of her late dad, Patrick Elric.

And be towered over, apparently, high heels were not a part of the uniform. Not that she had a uniform, since she was not a soldier, so it was totally awesome that she didn't have to wear that ugly uniform (although, she had to admit, that time Lust disguised himself in it he was *hot*)…but that time wearing platform shoes had proved to be not beneficial at all when she had to run away from Envy.

That was…interesting.

About those uniforms, eh? Rochelle Mustang the Flame Alchemist had plans to make all the male officers wear miniskirts in their uniform when she became Fuhrer. And the females too, because Rochelle was fly like that. Not that Edwina thought so. She really did not know where to begin on that…interesting Colonel.

And speaking of beginning, that was what the State Alchemist conference was supposed to be doing, but no, she had to be trapped in a room with people who were known to not get any of the right stuff done. Which was why so much of Amestris hated them. "Dogs of the Military."

Edwina could reluctantly agree to some of the criticism, but she would zealously agree to running away from HQ if she ever made the mistake of accepting "sisterly advice" from any of the State Alchemists ever again.

Recovering from Alexa Armstrong's "Let me tell you one thing, my fine Fullmetal lass, real women, all over I tell you, SPARKLE!" would be an event Edwina believed would be as likely to happen as a certain Ultimate Lance buttoning up his shirt.

Edwina really hoped none of the other military-dogs noticed her as she doodled on some paper (shirtless versions of Winston Rockbell and Paninyo, aww yeah).

"Everyone…" tentatively began Tina Marcoh the Crystal Alchemist, an ageing woman with gray hair pulled back in a bun, sort of like an old fashioned governess, and she was probably the quietest of them all. Or possibly the only quiet one, excluding Tucker because she was just too creepy to be considered quiet. "I have news that may change things."

Nobody else seemed to notice her except for Edwina, probably because they were all off in their own mad worlds.

"Sure, Mustang, and how would you know that Hawkeye's tattoo glows in the dark-oh. Oh dear," said Kimblee, feigning ladylike shock at the proposition of fraternizing, you know, just in case any of her reputation of a responsible, well-meaning citizen was still as existent as her blatant racism. In fact, one time she had been made to go to a "cultural diversity seminar" by Major Miles, who had spent her speech attempting- key word attempting- to be ambiguous ("So…say there's a driver on the road who's going a bit too fast and off track. She's not trying to kill you because she's a bloodthirsty desert Ishvalan who wants to run over some Amestrians like you may think…maybe, she, uh, has only had experience for the past decade driving tanks in the Northern front? Just, you know, hypothetically, I'm not Ishvalan or anything!").

"Oh yeah. That's what he said," grinned Rochelle, tossing her long black hair, and unbuttoning the top buttons of her military jacket, because dealing with fire all the time made her smoking hot. Temperature wise, of course. All the soldiers could only guess what she wore under that stifling uniform.

"Everyone…" Marcoh said again, but still nobody listened. Shay Tucker may or may not have noticed, but was too busy stroking a windowpane and laughing to herself ("yes, my creatures…come to mother! Hahahaahaaaa…")

"HEY! MARCOH'S TRYING TO TALK HERE!" Edwina yelled, using her lungs like she loved to do.

"Oh. Sorry, Crystal, I didn't notice you were speaking," replied Rochelle professionally. She was rather professional. It annoyed the ever living hell out of Edwina.

"You didn't notice…bitch please," Edwina grumbled, and noticed Bess Grand smirk at that, her lips lined in red liner that made her look like she had rimmed them in blood, strict warmonger she was.

"Edwina!" chastised Marcoh like the old lady she was. "Anyway…I've been coming across some new ideas. And I think maybe if we offer peace to her, Scar will-"

"That ho," interjected Kimblee, who really, and this is an understatement, hated Scar, the woman who she killed the family of, and gave her a name to bear. She also thought it would be hilarious to tell Scar how exactly her black hair looked so nice (washing it in beautiful Ishvalan virgins' blood, of course). That hadn't gone so well for a certain Crimson Alchemist.

After a confused silence, Marcoh continued. "I have talked to her. I think if we show her that we are not trying to be her enemies anymore, she will turn away from the path she is on…"

"Why yes! I believe that if we show this fine, misguided young lady the affection she has been missing for years, the sun shall rise on her life!" Exclaimed Alexa Armstrong.

Tucker gazed warily at the scene going on, and Rochelle rubbed her temples.

If Scar had been there, she would be speechless, or at least say something like "so…_these_ are my enemies?" She was reserved like the nun she had been before the war, but it was after the war, and instead of Ishvalan convent robes, she had long, shock-whitened untamed hair, fishnets, and shirts that always seemed to get damaged when she did something alchemical. Which was a lot. That usually involved making some State Alchemist's head cave in, but the pious nun in her allowed them to pray before their eyes melted into their nasal cavity.

None of them, to her confusion, ever seemed to want to pray.

"Um…all right. That seems like an idea to consider," Rochelle said.

"And it sounds fine to keep in mind, but it would be just as beneficial to execute her," Grand countered, clenching her gold-manicured hand into a triumphant fist. Her long black hair, pinned back tightly, showed the harshness and clean quality of what she was ready and willing to do. However, soon Scar would kill her.

"I think that would be a most pleasing engagement. Right, Fullmetal?" Kimblee asked. Honestly, this woman scared Edwina ever since she had caught her stroking Winston's hand, telling him what a "_fine young man_" he was in a Dublith accent.

Winston was a really nice guy. He lived with his grandfather and his dog in the country. He always knew what to do to help someone out in a tight spot, a kind hearted small town boy who thought that "friends should stick by each other," and liked wrenches as much as his wenches. Well, he was, after all a teenage boy.

"Shut it, you old queen," Edwina replied, not knowing whether to be bored or annoyed with Kimblee's usual bloodlust masked by kindly phrasing it.

"Fullmetal, I don't understand why you're so angry with me. Oh…sorry. It's your monthly Ishvalan massacre, isn't it?" Kimblee answered in a terrifyingly genuine way.

"Crimson Lotus, how many times must we tell you, keep it politically correct!" sighed Marcoh, who was arguably the only one there who wasn't a few symbols short of a transmutation circle. Not that Edwina would agree. But she isn't the narrator. No, that's me, Lust, the Ultimate Lance and Ultimate Fanservice Guy Who Gets A Really Interesting Part And Is Very Intelligent And In the First Anime, An Actual Good Person, But No, Everyone Only Notices My Damn Attractiveness, Except Gluttony.

Well, I suppose Edwina notices the way I work. She's good with our type in the sense that she can understand them very well. She's…experienced. I remember that one time when I heard her say "Envy…you didn't need to take off your pants to show me the Ouroborous tattoo…I already know you have one…" Oh, those were interesting days.

I suppose you notice I'm a bit bitter regarding things like that. Humans aren't all fools, I suppose, but they are if you give them the chance.

Anyway. Rochelle thought she'd try to get things back to normal- hilarious- by asking how everyone was going to spend their upcoming vacations, since the Amestrian military system is just…like that. Not that I'm complaining, of course not, every moment those alchemy puppets are off guard, that's a moment I can be closer to taking over the world with Gluttony and overthrowing Mother. I mean…helping Mother take over the world.

"I'm going to Resembool to visit Winston and my uncle," Edwina said. Hell knows she needed a vacation, even if it meant walking in on Winston "fixing Paninyo's automail" in bed in the dark like last time. Seriously, these conferences were either just everyone acting like they didn't know about secret confidential things, or everyone yelling at each other, or everyone just being their creepy selves. One could say they were one wacky family.

Just like me and the other six. Let me tell you, that's one wacky family portrait.


End file.
